How do you date while living with HIV and not fumble the finer points of seduction?
Letters from Here by Jesse Cameron Alick
Little Brother:
My belief in “the mack” has been shaken utterly. I know, what you’re thinking: “My big bro lose his mack? Not even HIV could do that to him. HIV? Ha! A mack cannot be stopped by mere viruses! Disclosure? Double ha! He is the master of disclosure.” Okay maybe you weren’t thinking that. But you should have been. I’ve been HIV-positive since I was a teenager, and you know it’s never messed with my game…until recently.
Remember that dude I was obsessed with a few months back? Yes, the one who I knew was “The One” even though it was only the first date. Well, I finally got a date with him. Expertly maneuvered myself into the right place at the right time. To sum it up we kicked it one night, went to a movie, went home to watch another movie and started making out. I’m thinking, “This guy is artistic, smart, and hot. And I’m the luckiest person alive.” Which is when I remembered that I hadn’t told him I was HIV-positive yet. And I decided I was not the luckiest person alive. I disengaged from him and said something like “I really think clothing should come off now, but I don’t think that would be a good idea.” Then the guy actually gave me an out. He was like, “Oh, I usually go slow anyway.” Totally a lie on his part I could tell, but I could have responded with, “Yeah, me too,” and be done with it. But instead I said, “Yeah, well, it’s cause I’m HIV-positive.” No subtlety. No finesse. No mack. I had fumbled the ball. Everything came out the wrong way. And the moment, and all future moments, were ruined. Now I can’t even bring myself to go on a date. It’s been months. I don’t want to face that moment of uncertainty again.
There is a right way and a wrong way to tell prospective lovers about HIV status. I’ve decided to write down the rules of how to disclose. Not clinically sanctioned by anyone but Jesse Cameron, Inc., and six years of many a serodiscordant romance. This is a good idea. I can tell already. I hope you know how lucky you are bro. Maybe you can use some of these on one of your ladies. Even though you don’t have HIV, I’m sure if you try hard enough you still can glean something worthwhile from JC’s personal rules of macking while positive:
1. Be a mack, not a slut. The difference between those may not be easy to understand. A slut will sleep with anyone.
A mack is someone who can throw down at any time, whenever they need to, when a deeper something
is sensed.
2. If someone doesn’t know you’re HIV-positive, don’t sleep with them on the first date. No matter what. Just don’t go there. Flirt, get a nice kiss goodnight, but be
like one of those knights of the Round Table; be chivalrous.
3. If someone doesn’t know you’re HIV-positive, don’t tell them that you are on the first date. No matter what. Just don’t go there. Am I repeating myself?
4. Tell someone that you’re HIV-positive on the second date. Two is a good number for things like this.
5. When disclosing to loved ones, take them out on a walk along the river or in a park or have dinner with them on your fire escape. Try not to tell them indoors. I don’t know why, but having air above you both helps. I suggest rooftops.
6. Tell them your story. Don’t dance around the topic but do give them
background. We all have stories. Tell the HIV one.
7. Be direct, be frank, be gentle.
8. If they have questions answer them all. If they don’t have questions, request them.
9. If they can’t handle it, say peace and walk the other way fast as you can. You just dodged a bullet.
Yeah, so that’s a lot of rules if you just want to get some action, isn’t it? I feel your pain. But this is the best way—proven, tested, lover-approved. Next comes the hard part: Do you call them the next day or not? Was the sex any good? Do you really want to be in a relationship at this point in your life? Remember how much energy relationships take? Would you even have time to write? The sex wasn’t that good, now was it? Wonder what’s on TV? There are some questions that you must answer on your own.
More soon.
Peace, JC
Jesse Cameron Alick is a poet, playwright, and Zen Master. He works as associate producer for Smokin Word, associate artistic director for Subjective Theatre, and as assistant to the artistic director at the Public Theater. He sits on the executive board for LID.
April 2007
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