CIELO
Poetry
by Emanuel Xavier

for Joe Jiminez

lover with the distance of a star
on a clear night
I will always find you
in the same space
helping me find my calling
while huddled on rooftops
imagining you shine for me alone

When you said you wanted to drive across the border
introduce me to all your cousins
so they could watch us fall in love
know this—I would’ve held your hand all the way to Mexico

I would’ve swallowed all your demons with my kisses
What I saw en tus ojos is that luxury is not a precious stone
It is reading the most beautiful poetry etched on skin
dreaming of someday nestling this scarred head
on your tattooed shoulder

Like the sky above, I want to span the spaces between us
from Bushwick to Aztlan
I want to take you to the projects of Coney Island
where I first lost my innocence
because with you I have newfound morality
I want to go with you to that alley
where your nightmares began
unfold your heart and crawl inside
to always carry me within your soul
I want to take you to the piers
where I learned to survive
look out into the Hudson River
and pray thanks to all the drowned divas
I want to be your Rio Grande and guide you safely over to freedom
and the innocent smiles of children hungering for inspiration
I want to bathe you in spiritual waters and light candles
to the mistress of death
tenderly caressing tu corazón y tu cuerpo
with these lips smoothed by ChapStick
With you, I want to enjoy everything
from cuchifrito to chile con papa y nopal
I want to show you the barrio where I grew up
and was eventually nearly killed
Grateful I’m still here with the opportunity
of someday holding you in my arms

Looking out to the moon we both share,
I answer these questions—
The best laugh I ever had
was probably provoked by the bratty little boy in me
The most transformative truth I ever told
was called “Deliverance”
The person who has hurt me the most in life
is the one I likely resemble
It is the reason I both fear and desire fatherhood

how I wish I could say you were my first
how I would have wanted to be your sun
warming that lovely brown skin
I will hold on to this memory and the fading sound of your voice

maybe you never got to read my poem
maybe we are living on borrowed time
maybe I was too late to be the one
maybe I am not the one
to come between this rude religion of relationship
but still
we fight this revolution
together
underneath the same sky

When you feel a breeze
remember
mi cielo
remember

I’ll wait for the courage of your promesas
I’ll wait for you until our day has come

Emanuel Xavier is the author of Americano and editor of Bullets & Butterflies: queer spoken word poetry. He has appeared on Def Poetry on HBO and The Ski Trip on LOGO.

August 2006