Ruby's Rap

by Ruby Comer

Jamie Morris

Egads and little fishes!” (to quote Tallulah Bankhead in Hitch’s forties masterpiece film, Lifeboat). What a brilliant performance Jamie Morris gives portraying my pal, Joan Crawford (when Joan was making The Best of Everything, my mom was working costumes and Joanie would occasionally babysit me, but I never saw her with a wire hanger...), in his hilarious award-winning play, Mommie Queerest—I laughed till I peed! Though campy, Jamie gives an eerily dead-on portrayal of Joan. The show has been playing to sell-out crowds across the U.S.A., Mexico, and even on cruise ships. 

Playwright and actor, Jamie Morris, thirty-eight, a New York City resident via West Virginia, has performed many of his original sketch plays at the Duplex, Catch A Rising Star, and Caroline’s Comedy Club. His newest project, The Facts of Life, is a musical spoof on the eighties TV sitcom. It hits New York City in January and L.A. in March.  (A little gossip: Jamie lives in an apartment that Bette Midler rented in the 70s.)

Backstage after the show, Jamie greets me and we plan a picnic in quaint Roxbury Park the next day. (Yes, I am wearing sunscreen year round—the rays can still be harmful even in inclement weather.)

Ruby Comer: This is one of my secret hideouts in L.A., Jamie. (The Century City skyline peeks through the bleak sky and bare trees.) I played lawn bowling here this summer with my women’s group, The Red Hat Society. We’re a bunch of broads who face the middle years with “verve, humor, and élan.”

Jamie Morris: You are not middle—

[Cutting him off crossly in a playful manner] Certainly not—and I’m proud of it! Speaking of age, what is your fascination with Joan?

I love her, but Mommie Dearest is one of the campiest movies and I’ve always wanted to adapt it in some way.  My play debuted in 2003, thinking it would just be a ‘summer fling,’ and it turned into this rollercoaster that is still going. I’m very grateful.

AIDS has been around....[Before I finish, Jamie responds.]

It’s devastating. It has to be stopped. I don’t feel there’s enough being done. As much as the Bush administration has pledged, it surprises me that it is not doing more. Fortunately, I don’t know many people that have been affected; maybe it’s my age. 

And when you were younger, AIDS education in high school was right on the cusp, but still non-existent, huh?

Yes, it was even when condom distribution was taboo. I learned about AIDS from my grandfather. He sat me down -- it was odd  for him to do this -- in front of the TV to watch a report about AIDS on Fox News. All he said was, “Watch this.” At that time it was only [reported on as] a gay disease, so my first reaction was, Oh my god, he knows I’m gay! But looking back, that was his gruff way of saying, protect yourself.

Cheers for your grandfather! Are you in love now, Jamie?

Yes, for seven years. He [Christopher Kenney] directed Mommie Queerest and won the L.A. Weekly Theatre Award.  He was just cast in Three Penny Opera on Broadway.

I’m very excited and proud.

Congrats you two!  What’s your take on these guys who don’t wanna wear condoms?

It’s stupid. Unless you’re in a monogamous relationship, you’re taking risks. Now there are these [gay] barebacking videos, and kids coming of age will watch these and say, “Oh, it’s fine not to wear protection”—and this may be their only education [his eyes magnify]. Every new generation has to be taught about AIDS prevention. At that age, they think they are indestructible.

Yep. We all go thru that developmental, rebellious stage. 

Yeah. And I’ve heard of “bug chasers” [those who choose to be infected]. Someone had to explain to me what that was [he stutters]. I can’t relate [shaking his head].

I think this behavior is anchored in low self-esteem.

And also it seems like a form of acting out.

Indeed.  Jamie, I’d like to chat with Joan now. 

Before you do, I lastly want to say to your readers:  get tested, get tested, get tested!  Be wise and play safe.

Super. Hey, what is your favorite scene from, Mommie Dearest?

Joan says, “Greg, take off your shoes. I just cleaned that floor.” Greg replies, “And what about the socks?” Joan responds in slow, seductive cadence, “I can handle…..the socks.”  Then they head upstairs and make love in the shower.  [We laugh] Heeeeere’s Joan…..

Hi Joanie. Assuming that you still bump and grind in the bedroom, who was your last victim?

Ashton Kutcher before he met Demi. He said that he liked older women. He didn't say how old -- and I didn't offer.

Who is your fav actress today?

Catherine Zeta-Jones. She is not only wonderful at her craft but is also not afraid to be a true movie star. She always looks like a million bucks, and she married into Hollywood royalty. Smart girl. Plus we both started out as dancers and ended up with an Oscar!

What is your AIDS prevention philosophy?

It’s simple: play safe. You don't get as far as I have by playing reckless. I'm smart on the set, in the boardroom, and in the bedroom.

If you were asked to address an assembly of male high school students about wearing condoms, what would you say?

After the thunderous ovation died down, I would humbly say to the young men, “I didn’t know there was so much love.” I would then quickly extol the obvious virtues of condoms and then add, “It’s not only safe but clean! Like “Playtex...Living Gloves for your Living Gland.” Then I would dim the lights, send my daughter, Christina, away, and show them how to put them on. 

Ruby Comer is an independent journalist from the Midwest who is happy to call Hollywood her home away from home. Reach her by e-mail at MsRubyComer@aol.com.

January 2006